Hopeless Obsession
by SWeeT-LoST-SouL
Summary: Lily Evans/Severus Snape/Remus Lupin: Based in the 3rd book, Severus and Remus come together in testing ways. Polyjuice and the past express the darkest desires over Snape's hopeless obsession. Warning!angst/sexual content. M to be safe! Reviews are greatly appreciated.
1. One

**A.N. This story has been on my mind in between finals and I decided to introduce a short beginning to see if there is any interest out there for a continuation. It's different/dark/angst and has a conflicted bisexual orientation. Let me know what you think!**

* * *

**Hopeless Obsession**

_LE/SS/RL_

_A.N.2 Takes place during the 3rd book and I tried to make it somewhat relevant to the details of the story._

* * *

It was already past curfew and everyone had already called in for the night; except for Lupin. Instead of being in the comfort of his own quarters, Remus was slowly walking down the corridors of Hogwarts and descending towards the damp dungeons. After the past few months of constant musing, the werewolf-man still could not understand what had lead him to his current situation. What had begun as a threatened-favour had now turned into a disturbing and confusing exchange; an insensible state of affairs. Alas, he now found himself struggling to find plausible answers to two questions; how could he have let it begin and why was he not stopping it? His unanswered questions were eating the remainder of his humanity in his already dual being. It was not enough that the beast within him constantly fought to overcome the man. Now, the very person who made Remus question his manhood was the wizard who helped him tame the wolf. Oh, the irony, thought Remus pathetically.

To salvage his human side, Remus needed the Wolfsbane potion that prepared for him every month by none other than Severus. But three months ago, Severus had requested an actual exchange for his time consuming service, to which Remus was glad to yield. Initially, the half-man was quite surprised that Severus had agreed to make the complicated potion in the first place; much more when he had not requested anything in exchange. Of course, Severus must have been fully aware of his poor financial state, but surely Lupin hoped he could offer something? Remus never expected a simple exchange, but when Snape described his request, the shock of the twisted proposal left the man in awe. He realized that the revelation of the true purpose pended the obvious discontinuation of his treatment if he were to refuse. He knew he was lucky to have Snape's skill offered to him and yet Lupin could not believe the man was asking him to do something so awfully wrong. He could not afford anyone else's service and it was pointless to think about his own terrible skills; he had to other way of obtaining the Wolfsbane. Needless to say, Remus had voiced his acceptance while still in shock.

Remus tensed as he eventually reached his destination and reluctantly entered Snape's classroom. A shiver coursed through him as the door closed itself and he looked to the front of the classroom. And there he was, the pale wizard who did not even flinch as the heavy door's closing echoed in the still room. Snape did not bother to lift his gaze from the stack of papers from his desk, but he set his quill aside swiftly. Both men were silent; one seemingly conflicted while the other showed no sign of emotion and even less of acknowledgement. Remus sighed as he stepped away from the student desk and walked towards Severus who had already stood up summoning 2 different vials. Pocketing one and placing the other familiar one on his desk, Severus waited until Remus's form reached him.

"This, on my desk, is your Wolfsbane. You can take it once you do your part of the agreement. Follow me."

Snape's curtness was typical and Remus would normally not think much of it, but he had come to know a different side of him in the past few months while wishing he hadn't. It was degrading and sick to allow the bat-of-the-dungeons demonstrate his fantasy once a month for the price of his beast tamer. Nevertheless, Remus followed the paler man towards his quarters while briefly glancing back at his Wolfsbane potion left behind on the desk. Once both wizards entered the Slytherin's private quarters, Severus removed a black pouch from his chest pocket and Remus ran his hands through his own brown hair while facing the fireplace.

"Honestly, this is so sic-"

"Silence!"

Severus continued to avoid glancing at Lupin who in return frowningly stared at the Potion-master while slightly grinding his teeth. Snape carefully withdrew a strand of dark auburn hair and deposited it into the vial that contained some dark fluid. The Polyjuice potion quickly bubbled and changed into a thick red solution just before Severus carefully handed the vial to the reluctant wizard. Lupin stared at the vial and back at Snape, hoping the disturbed man would snap out of his twisted obsession and see what was going on. Snape finally looked him in the eyes, which oddly enough betrayed the bat's guilt, before looking away.

"J-just drink it."

Remus finally grabbed the vial and Snape swiftly left him alone; it was as if he couldn't wait to get rid of him, or of the reality. Remus looked at the potion and took a deep breath before drinking the content of the vial; he wanted to get this over with. It was salty but sadly it was becoming all too familiar; had 3 months really gone by? Feeling the transformation begin, Remus waited as his body shrunk and his features developed into another; as if he did not have enough problems identifying himself... Although this transformation was less painful than his usual ones, he preferred his wolf-like transformation over this newer one. When he had finished evolving, Lupin transformed his clothing into a robe and walked to the bedroom; Snape was already sitting on his bed while in the moonlit room. Remus closed the bedroom door, feeling miserable and unconsciously wrapping his arms around his middle. Immediately Snape's strict features turned to him and softened with longing. He nervously beckoned Remus towards him but Lupin knew that all the Slytherin saw was the woman he had changed to. Remus was nervous as he walked towards the awestruck man before sitting on the bed next to him. It didn't matter how many times this occurred, it made his toes curl and nausea overwhelm him. Obviously, his discomfort went unnoticed by Severus who reached out and brushed his cheek softly. Severus smiled slightly as he brushed the red hair to reveal the green eyes that haunted him.

"Oh, Lily."

Remus closed his eyes and willed himself to disconnect from the body that withheld his soul for the next few hours.

* * *

**-Love, Amy**

**~SWeeT-LoST-SouL~**


	2. Two

**Hopeless Obsession**

_LE/SS/RL_

* * *

Severus could not bear to face the man whom he had led into his bedchamber. He was painfully aware of the awful procedure he was inflicting upon the other wizard, but Severus knew that his own insecurities, regret and disgust would vanish at the sight of Lily. It had always been a dark secret of his, the collection of the witch's hair after her public funeral. Severus could not bear to rid himself of the last strands of Lily's life which was why he desperately grabbed a hold of her trademark hair. But what had started as an innocent method of coping turn instead into a perverse obsession of possibilities. What if he could bring her back temporarily? To see her, touch her and feel her as he wished? Of course, Polyjuice potion required a subject to accept the transformation and for years, the potions master had secretly explored the beds of keen witches. However, they could not satisfy him due to the apparent personality clash that would occur between his ideal Lily and the other women. He wanted Lily as she had always been...

Needless to say, Severus kept his identity secret by taking on another appearance and forbade the women from discovering Lily's own identity. But when the opportunity arose for him to become better acquainted with Remus Lupin, the idea that the werewolf-man could play the part was born. He knew Lily well and could play out her personality; he would also have no need to use precaution in protecting the red-head's identity. Initially, the idea was profoundly disturbing and an ultimate disgrace for Severus, because it went against his personal standards. However, the more he contemplated on the thought, the more promising it seemed. Snape tried his best to dissuade himself, but with only a few strands at his disposal, his desperation could not allow him to miss a possible moment. Of course, seeing as both of them were current professors at Hogwarts, Severus knew he could not hide his identity. Also, he would need some initiative in order to convince the half-wizard to give in to his demand. The potions master considered his desperation while his rationality tried to form a plausible response on how a man-beast seemed like the best option to his dilemma.

Although on the surface he kept cool and collected, Snape could barely look Remus in the eye as he voiced his proposition in exchange for brewing the Wolfsbane potion: for Lupin to become Lily. He expected Lupin's reluctance and shock, but due to the Slytherin's precautionary binding spell, Lupin did not have the freedom of sharing the request. He knew that the Gryffindor's pride would lead him to feel obligated to Snape if he were to reject the exchange, but Lupin had nothing else Snape would want from him; surely no financial means at the very least. However, Snape could not deny his surprise as Remus agreed to the proposal: to drink the Polyjuice potion containing Lily's hair and to play her role in Snape's company once a month. Although neither of the two wizards knew for how long they would role play a relationship that was impossible, months had begun to pass.

The first night was the worst of all, especially since Snape could not think straight from the nervous feeling that overwhelmed him. They had begun sitting apart awkwardly while Snape observed Lily whereas Remus looked into the fireplace. He could not help but admire the woman who haunted his dreams and nightmares for years. After a period of silence, Remus-transformed-Lily turned to look at him with questioning bright green eyes which caused Severus to frown slightly. He stood while Apparating two goblets and poured the two of them a drink with his back to Lily. He swallowed hard before turning to advance towards her only to kneel in front of her; allowing their eyes to be at the same level. Snape could sense the fear in both his and Lily's hearts as he offered the goblet containing a sweet smelling purple liquid. When Lily hesitatingly took the goblet, Snape could not resist but brush back her vibrant red hair behind her ear. She remained silent, as was promised by Lupin, but a small blush appeared on her pale cheeks as she attempted to look away. He reached for her slender hand and rested it on his chest; his beating heart thumping against his ribcage. Slowly, Lily looked into his dark desperate eyes and swallowed her fear slightly while sipping her drink. Snape simply tried to take in the moment and admired her lashes, her lips, her presence and how she was so similar to herself. He noticed her eyes glazing and placed his free hand onto her cheek; he brushed her chin and lower lip with his thumb. They remained in such a position for barely a minute, before Snape leaned in to kiss her. But, Lily turned her face to the side and so he kissed her cheek instead; she was tense and Snape remained in close proximity as he rested his forehead on her cheekbone.

"I've missed you."

Lily swallowed hard and leaned back in order to dislodge herself from his grip. Severus understood her need for space and stood up, frustrated with himself. He held his forehead and brushed back his black hair. He looked back and saw Lily still looking away which made him sigh; he left the room in discontent.

Remus waited patiently by finishing his drink and got to his feminine feet when he felt unwell; his heart was beating faster and he felt hot. He stumbled as he walked towards the room Severus had entered, which was probably his bedchamber; it was a neat and simple place with a bed near the illusionary window that allowed the moonlight to enter the dark room. He looked around, his vision slightly blurred, and finally noticed Severus standing in the shadows with his arms crossed; the slight smirk on his face made Remus's stomach drop. What were Snape's intentions, Remus thought, as he felt for the wall before plummeting to the stone ground. He barely managed to distinguish Snape's dark form as he was picked up and placed body on the bed. Oh Merlin, had the Slytherin actually drugged his drink?

Snape's heart was beating madly but he had waited so long to see her and now that she was here, he could no longer stop himself from loving her. He leaned in and kissed her full lips as he swallowed his nudging guilt; he had to convince himself that this was not wrong, he was not taking advantage of her. He placed his hand on her chest and beyond the robe in order to explore the olive toned skin; she was here and with him. As his slender fingers brushed past her navel, Lily suddenly tensed and struggled to push him off, gasping in the process.

"Have you lost your mind?!"

Snape's reality was crashing back at alarming speed as Lupin's voice echoed in his bedchamber; this was mortifying. Snape stood up with the remainder of his dignity and warned Remus that he would not tolerate his judgement. As Lily stared in amazement, she shook her head and turned to leave, still weak from the effects of the drug. She made her way past him before he reached out and grabbed her wrist.

"Wait, you promised-"

"I did not sign up for this! Was this what you had in mind the whole time?! This is beyond sick-"

Loosing his composure, Snape silenced Lupin's voice with a kiss that he could not hold back. He was desperate and so out of character that he could not begin to understand his own actions; disturbed would not be enough of a word to encompass his state. Lily's surprise was evident but she quickly recovered by biting his thin bottom lip hard. He pulled back with a gasp and fiercely glared at her as a tear dripped down his face: the pain of his existence was the cause, not the pain of his bleeding lip.

"Get out!"

He did not need to repeat himself as a shocked Lily exited while covered her form in order to reach private quarters of Remus Lupin unnoticed.

* * *

**Love Amy**

**~SWeeT_LoST_SouL~**


	3. Three

_Hopeless Obsession_

_LE/SS/RL_

* * *

Chapter Three

When Remus awoke, he knew he had to leave before Snape got up. Remus rolled out of Severus's bed and got dressed as he left the bedroom; one more month and he would no longer need to be within Snape's proximity. He walked down the corridor with his Wolfsbane in his pocket and finally sighed as he closed the door to his own private quarters. He traced his lips with his doubtful fingers and brushed down his neck to his collarbone; he shivered at the thought of what occurred between him and Severus. No, it was between Lily and Severus...

The fact that Severus had attempted to minimize contact between them until that one night every month was a plain display of him not wanting to deal with Remus. But Lupin knew that Severus had softened somewhat towards him. He couldn't explain it, but Remus had discovered a part of Snape that he could not show anyone; his vulnerability was displayed to Lily. Getting to know him slowly allowed Lupin to feel compassion for the tortured man. Although Remus repeatedly tried to befriend him, Snape refused. Although Snape did not want to complicate things further, Remus could not help his developing feelings. He actually cared for the man, regardless that he was being manipulated by him; seeing his sorrow brought forth a new form of understanding.

* * *

Severus on the other hand was panicking. He was down to the last strand of red hair and on top of that Remus was overwhelming him; couldn't he keep it strictly business? Snape felt pathetic as he thought that, because he knew that although he shared the experience between him and Lily, Remus was the one who truly- enough of that. He was not going to admit something pathetic as to being aware of him as a man, friend or more. It was a transaction, exchange and mutual agreement.

After their awkward first night encounter, Severus pretended that nothing had happened, but Lupin would not let it go and forced him to confront the half-beast. Lupin had followed him to his classroom and Severus had swiftly turned towards him while enchanting a spell that shut and bolted the door; his expression was fierce. At first, he wanted to hex him, but Severus resisted and clenched his jaw tightly instead.

"Spit it out!"

Lupin frowned and rubbed the back of his neck as he coughed awkwardly.

"What?!"

Severus stared at him wide eyed; the creases in his face more pronounced than ever. Lupin looked at him with a set gaze and sighed determinedly.

"Look, I know I agreed to your-"

"Yes, well, I no longer require your lacking service."

The silence between them was deafening until Lupin took a step towards Snape.

"You must be joking..."

Realizing that Snape was not in fact messing-around, Remus shook his head in disbelief.

"Just to be clear, this whole idea of yours is beyond insane. Are you really trying to live out this sick fantasy? For Merlin's sake, Lily is dead! And she married James, she would never be romantically involved with you. Listen, I realize that you still have feelings for her and wish things could be different, but you just need help to heal-"

"Enough."

Remus stopped and waited for Severus to formulate a response.

"I have listened to you and I won't tolerate another word."

"Wait, maybe if we could sit down and start by talking about things-"

"Do you really think I had not thought of the more socially acceptable way of dealing with my pain? I just can't let it go! Not unless I have exhausted every fibre in my body that links itself to Lily!"

"But Severus, why do you want to hurt yourself like this? I can't do this if you want to play out a fantasy with Lily. It's unbelievably wrong and I really shouldn't go along with it."

"I can't help it, I can't and don't want to be with anyone else. I mean when I saw her and felt her here with me, I wanted her acceptance and forgiveness for not saving her-"

Snape gasped and placed a pale hand on his mouth as he looked away from Remus; this cannot be happening. Remus stepped closer and placed a hand on Snape's shoulder.

"Forgive you for what? Just say it-"

Snape looked up and jabbed his wand to Remus throat, his eyes giving a crazed look.

"Leave, Lupin."

Remus lifted his hands in the air and backed away slowly before turning to leave; Severus quickly unbolted the door. Before opening the door, Lupin looked back and through clenched teeth managed to say that he would be back for their second exchange.

* * *

Severus awoke to Lupin sleeping in his bed; the brown strands of hair covering his forehead and cheek. He snored lightly as he laid on his stomach and Snape just observed the man who had not yet left; his eyes shifted as he noticed the wolf-man's naked back. Snape felt conflicted and reached out to wake him so that he could leave; as he placed his cold hand on the warm shoulder, Severus felt an electric charge go up his arm. Lupin frowned and blinked lazily before staring at the paler man; his eye's widened slightly before he leaned up on his hand.

"Get out."

Lupin's surprise was apparent while Snape's fear was well confined; he denied the nagging feeling that wanted to make this entire thing stop. Remus sat up and revealed his torso before turning away and getting dressed; this was degrading enough and yet Severus could not help but observe the man until he stood with his pants done up. Lupin faced Snape and scoffed in disbelief.

"You are such an arse."

Snape starred as Lupin suddenly leaped onto the bed and straddled him; Snape personally admitted to being confused for the first time in his life. The man's brute force held Severus in place as he locked his arms above his head and leaned closer; his locks sheltering his expression.

"Don't bring out your own disgust for your actions onto me."

Lupin was shaking with frustration as Snape laid there and looked at him coldly; Lupin thought he was infuriating. Remus stared into his cold black eyes and growled as he pushed his wrists deeper into the mattress. Still, Severus did not betray any of his emotions: conflict, fear, hurt and regret. Remus stopped frowning and released Snape's wrists; now if only the wizard on top of him could leave him before the beast within him got the better of him. The wizard got off the bed and left the room while Snape remained laying on the bed staring at the ceiling before finally exhaling the breath he hadn't realize he had been holding.

When Remus saw Severus during supper, he ignored him but when the man sat next to him, he did not know what to think of it. He resumed to finish his meal until he noticed Snape's bruised wrists and immediately felt remorse overcome him. Once he finished his meal, Snape left and Remus shortly followed, unable to leave things as they were. When he entered Snape's classroom, he called out to him only to be propelled into the stone wall with enough force to knock the air out of him. As he tried to recover, he saw Snape at his desk with his wand pointing to him; he felt his body bind before he was brought to float vertically.

"Don't ever, EVER, use physical force on me, Lupin!"

Remus barely managed to nod before he was dropped to the ground. He stood up while leaning on the student tables, in complete disbelief at his colleague's behaviour.

"I-I'm sorry Severus."

"No!"

Severus pushed the slightly taller man onto the desk and poked his wand to his neck in an uncomfortable yet familiar manner. Lupin frowned and grabbed the wand to keep it in place instead of having it jab him. Snape was definitely explosive but his emotions betrayed him as he grabbed Remus's collar and started to exhale frantically.

"Three nights. That's all I have left!"

Remus helped the man to stand back and Snape did not refuse his help; he led him to a chair as he tried to calm him down. A few minutes past before Severus finally calmed down and shook his head. Remus was not sure how to feel about the Slytherin's behavior but he was sure that exposing so much to him was a sign that Snape could no longer tolerate the pain.

"I'm sorry, Severus."

Snape chuckled pathetically and sighed.

"So am I."

Remus patted him on the back as he cringed at the thought of another three nights.

"Make your last three meetings mean something. Don't allow any regrets."

* * *

-Love Amy

~SWeeT_LoST_SouL~


End file.
